Since this blog is still new, I will open with a request from myself.
A few years ago I had the opportunity to read David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. It was 1079 pages of pure amazing and easily the best thing I have yet read. I could see the struggles of a genius level intellect confronting the pains of life through sometimes poignant, sometimes hilarious, always brilliant prose. (As well as equally brilliant endnotes.) It is a shame that he eventually lost that confrontation. May he rest in peace.
In digesting that monolithic masterpiece, I thought about hundreds of things, from math, to life, to sports, to addiction, to Quebec separatism, and oodles more. (I expected nothing less from 1079 pages) The thoughts led to speculations and some conclusions, the most solid of which are these:
A: I will someday name a dog Wallace after this brilliant man.
B: I want to attempt to write like DFW.
The story that follows is the result of the latter.
It is built as a lost chapter from Jest.
[Yes, it does have footnotes. Read them when you encounter them in the main text]
Enjoy or not. Your choice.
YEAR OF THE TRIAL SIZE DOVE BAR
Jim Kilosch is inertial. This tendency, though rather handy back in the day as a professional battering ram employed by the BPD, has since deteriorated to being used more in its converse form. He sits back in his La-Z-Boy™ ER-250®[i] and holds the TP remote at his side, flipping through cartridges seemingly at random on this Thursday afternoon.
Channel 20: “But Steven… why did it have to be with her? Shes… Québeqois!” Gasps from the studio audience, music swells.
Jim had begun taking Sundays off from work as a sort of ‘I’m going to treat myself to something nice for a change’ kind of thing on his 34th birthday. He had begun to wonder if, maybe, the doors he battered down about five times daily felt the same way his shoulder did after a week’s work and rather than go pelican[ii] like his buddy Carl, decided a bit of time to wind down once a week was the best idea.
Channel 4: “Infamous auteur and boarding school director imitates 2-day-old casserole. Tonight at 11.”
During the first of these Sundays, Jim discovered his couch. He had bought it years back but was never really home enough to use it. Once he finally sat in it though, it was as if he had found his home. Figuratively. The cushions curved to him better than the seats he had been used to up until that point[iii] and the comfort was instantly appealing. He also had rediscovered the Snuggie™[iv] he was given as an Xmas gift a while back and simultaneously solved the problems of warmth and accessibility posed by wanting to relax under a blanket while having access to objects outside the blanket. And, in doing so, Jim realized it might be best if he cut his shift down to 12 hours[v] so he could, maybe, like enjoy this comfy environment nightly rather than just, you know, weekly.
Ch. 997: “Act now and this special offer could be yours for the low low price of nineninetyfive. Ten-oh-eight O.N.A.N. But wait! Hit the order button now and be first in line to get next year’s ‘Year of the Purdue Wonderchicken’ Pudue Wonderchicken before anyone else! Go to channel 1223 to order”
After a couple weeks or so on this schedule, he realized that after a few evenings sitting in his couch and Snuggie that he ended up practically as sore as he did after a good day’s work. (Something to do with the lack of ergonomics in a B.S. couch) So, he decided it was worth the upgrade to the ER-250®. Now, absolutely blindingly comfortable enveloped in the synthetic down folds of the recliner at perfect body temperature, seriously in his own personal bubble of ultimate comfort, he had decided that it would probably be best if he just stayed there for the week and took every day off from work and like did his job from home the way his buddy Kent the crime scene investigator does.
Ch. 89: “Hey y’all! It’s Paula Dean! Ta’day I’ll be makin my claasic suthern mac-an-cheese. The uullltimit cumfurt food if Ahh say so mahself.”
Jim Kilosch had lulled himself to sleep.
[i] The “ER” here stands for “Electronic Recliner” and not the other, perhaps more common, certainly more dire, signified. This was found to scare off some potential buyers of the product, but by the time the study had been completed all of the tags had been printed and at least somewhat sewed on, so the cost of changing the name would have been in the like tens of thousands of dollars, not to mention the extra man-hours for the print and sewing shop workers who were nearly going postal as it was so it was really just a better idea to throw the burden to the marketing dept. because really, they could handle it. Anyway, the naming issue wasn’t so much an actual issue as it was a minor nuisance because, in all reality, these things sold themselves. This particular model was absolutely loaded. The company takes the opinions of its customers thoroughly into account when designing a product and has thusly produced a “chair” of essentially unprecedented comfort. The cushions are made of synthetic down and are fully temperature controlled. Most customers say that their chairs are, in fact, almost preferable to their own beds.∞ As such, the ER-250 has sold an estimated 300million units since its introduction in Jan. YTMP. This equates to about $12.3billion O.N.A.N.∞∞
∞ In fact, next year’s ER-300 will literally convert into a bed so the customer can occupy the chair for, essentially, 24 hour use.
∞∞ This puts La-Z-Boy as the fifth most profitable business in North America for the YTMP following only Disneya, Apple inc.b, the Trojan-Pampers corporationc, and the O.N.A.N.C.F.d
a. The result of an ingenious advertising campaign involving mouse-shaped collision-indentations in our largest natural satellite.
b. Having recovered from allegations that the ad campaign for the ‘iTP’ encouraged amateur foliar vandalism.
c. As odd a combo as this sounds, it lets them have all outcomes… covered …so to speak.
d. Organization of North American Nations Curling Federation.
[ii] The pelican, in a rather incredible feat of Darwinian determination, will dive at fish with one eye open for half of its life until that eye eventually goes blind. It then switches to the other eye until that one too becomes bereft of its ocular validity. Then it dies. It is one of the more brutal systems in modern biology. I still cringe whenever I hear the characteristic “THWAK!!” of a pelican “going for the Garibaldi” as they say.
[iii] The bench seats of B.P.D.S.W.A.T. Shiny Metal Vans are (un-creatively but certainly appropriately) nicknamed “The Really Uncomfortable Benches.”
[iv] A really ungodly-comfortable blanket-with-sleeves type deal dating from B.S. 2009. Simultaneously very clever and very stupid.
[v] Due to his inertial qualities Jim is essentially stuck in a perpetual state of Awake. Or it would certainly take quite a large force to change his state now and he’s OK with it and everything because, well, he doesn’t really know anything else and it doesn’t really impede his progress through his day at all. (Probably also a condition of his inertia.)
This blog is supposed to do essentially what the description says it is supposed to do. So, if you have a suggestion for something I should write/make/blog about I will take it, file it away in my head, and potentially do something about it and post the result here. Simple yet effective? Hopefully.